Sheep and Goats

Category: The Dog

  • The Song-Writing Dog: Everybody Oompa

    We knew from the get-go that our rescued dog had a thing for chasing cats. What we didn’t know was that it had a flair for song-writing.

    (Sung to the tune of I Am the Walrus)

    I am lean. My plate is clean. Those cats convene and I am going to nab one.

    See how they run like pigs from a gun, see how they fly

    I’m trying

    Tired of eating cornflakes, waiting for a cat to come

    Maybe in a tee-shirt. Maybe on a Tuesday

    Man, I’m having joy, I’ve been away too long

    I’ll nab a cat, man! I’ll nab a cat, man!

    Like it never saw us, ooh-ooh-oo’ooh!

    It’s not hardly easy-peasy, feeling queasy, pesky cats they’ve all been laying low!

    See how they fly when I’m coming by. See how they run

    I’m trying, I’m trying

    I’m trying, I’m trying

    Mangy cats are busted, No chance they’ll be slipping from my eye

    Gripe a lot, you dish-wipes, Mourn a lot, you feces

    Boy, you’ve been some naughty cats, you let your guard way down

    I’ll nab a cat, man! I’ll nab a cat, man!

    Like it never saw us, ooh-ooh-oo’ooh!

    (Radio tuning noise, music, then a British voice:

    “You men get those cats off the table.”)

    Sitting in an English garden hoping for a visit from one so dumb

    If it doesn’t come, I’ll don a coat and track it in the English rain

    I’ll nab a cat, man! I’ll nab a cat, man!

    Like it never saw us, ooh-ooh-oo’ooh!

    Slinking, stinking, reeking felines, 

    Don’t you think I sit and laugh at you? (ha ha ha hee hee hee ho ho ho)

    See how I smile like pigs in a sty, see how I snie

    I’m trying

    Salmon tuna goldfish, swimming up the Eiffel Tower

    Elementary penguins singing Hari Krishna

    None of them will save ya, not munching even escargot.

    I’ll nab a cat, man! I’ll nab a cat, man!

    Like it never saw us, ooh-ooh-oo’ooh!

    (Rising orchestral musical accompaniment):

    shoot her shoot her

    Oompa oompa, everybody oompa

    Oompa oompa, everybody oompa

    Everybody

    Well, I told you fine blokes. I don’t see any cats around!

    Wait

    Look over there

    “Oh, untimely death!”

    Yeah. That’s what I’m talking about!

    ******  The bookstore

  • “I Can’t Believe They Joined That Cult!”

    I can’t believe that they joined that cult! It’s a cult—pure and simple. It teaches them hate. The sooner it goes down, the better.

    8E32EEC2-6478-4A56-A14F-8DD5AAD9C754

    “But he said to her: “First let the children be satisfied, for it is not right to take the bread of the children and throw it to the little dogs.” (Mark 7:27)

    It is right. The snotty kids do nothing but eat. They can spare a little more chow than they do.

    “But she replied to him: “Yes, sir, and yet even the little dogs underneath the table eat of the crumbs of the little children.””(Mark 7:28)

    They hardly even leave the crumbs, the brats!

    “What the true proverb says has happened to them: “The dog has returned to its own vomit,” (2 Peter 2:22)

    Look, do I rub it in when I see you picking your nose?

    “Look out for the dogs; look out for those who cause injury; look out for those who mutilate the flesh.”(Philippians 3:2)

    Yeah, well, not lately I haven’t. I was cranky that day. Give it a rest, will you?

    “Outside are the dogs and those who practice spiritism and those who are sexually immoral and the murderers and the idolaters and everyone who loves and practices lying.’”(Revelation 22:15)

    So let me in already. You think it’s fun out here with these lowlifes? On the couch is where I belong!

    60C6D8B7-A239-4B78-A9FF-94F1BCB7A156

  • “I Took My Appetite to Madame Mew” – sung to the tune of Love Potion #9

    I took my appetite to Madame Mew,
    You know that neighbor cat that’s been taboo.
    She’s got a pad and she’s setting up so fine,
    but what she doesn’t know is
    for my dinner she’ll be mine.

    I told her that I was a reformed bitch.
    I hadn’t eaten cat since 96.
    She looked at me suspiciously but then she changed her mine,
    she said ‘You seem a changed dog,
    and that suits me just fine.

    She lay down and turned around and I gave a wink.
    I said ‘I’ll eat this stupid cat with ketchup, I think,’
    I knew that when I made my move she’d raise quite a stink.
    I held my nose, I closed my eyes,
    but then I blinked:

    I didn’t know if it was day or night,
    She screeched and scratched at everything in sight,
    but when she caught my snout, then I nearly lost my mind.
    I said ‘I’ll leave this cat alone,
    clear till the end of time.

    Clear till the end of ti-hi-hi-hi-hime,
    clear till the end of time.

    (*You can sing it non-profit but just remember where it came from. It is not yours)

     

  • With a Little Help From You Chumps (sung to the tune of With a Little Help From My Friends)

    Fleas, fleas, fleas….

    What would you do if I swallowed your cat?
    Would you stand up and walk out on me.
    Give me a break; he was juicy and fat.
    You should take it not so personally.

    Oh I get by with a little help from you chumps
    Please understand when I bark you should jump.
    Here is a shovel – go pick up my dumps.

    "How do you feel when you’re left by yourself?"
    Don’t worry about it, I’ll be fine.
    "What do you see on the counter or shelf?"
    I can’t tell you but I know its mine.

    Oh I get by with a little help from you chumps
    Please understand when I bark you should jump.
    Here is a shovel – go pick up my dumps.

    "Do you need anybody?"
    I just need someone naïve.
    "Could it be anybody?"
    So long as he is naïve.

    "Would you believe they'll catch on to your tricks?"
    No, I’m certain that won’t happen anytime.
    "Can you conceive they will give you the slip?"
    No, they're stupid, and their hearts are mine.

    Oh I get by with a little help from you chumps
    Please understand when I bark you should jump.
    Here is a shovel – go pick up my dumps.

    (And kindly chill if another dog I should hump)

    Yes, I get by with a little help from you chuh –
    with a little help from you CHUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUMPS!!*

    (*You can sing it non-profit but just remember where it came from. It is not yours)

    000 

    ***

    AA3BA0B8-A822-43C5-B93B-50C046760BFC

     

    We arrived home to find the dog on the phone to the animal rights people, who took its side and wrote me a blistering letter.

    ”It is an intolerable violation of my rights to banish me from the kitchen!” it complained. “I like macadamia nuts. It’s not my fault that he leaves them in a cupboard that I’ve learned to open. What do I care if he drops a few hundred at the vet? He can’t take it with him!”