Sheep and Goats

Category: Humor

  • A GPS System to Tell Me Where to Go

    They really have a lot of cool gadgets these days. Like the GPS navigational system for your car. The really fancy ones feature a feminine voice to guide you along your way, tell you where to get off and so forth. I bought one for my car. So did my correspondent Romulus. But Romulus was unnerved by the female voice and shut it off. If he wanted such an accompaniment, he declared, he would get married.

    Though it took years of counseling, I overcame matrimophobia. I married a woman who is a fine creature, a credit to her species in every way. From what I have observed, most women fall into this category.

    Once in a while, though, you get a clunker. It is a shame that the GPS industry didn’t do its homework before hiring the woman to serve as its navigation voice. I happen to know that the woman’s name is Clara Claptwaddle, and she can be a little…..ahem…..overbearing.

    …………………………………………………..

    In about a half mile, turn left.

    Now drive one mile and turn right.

    Turn right in one half mile

    In about a quarter of a mile, turn right.

    Right turn ahead. Slow down.

    Slower.

    No, that’s not slow enough. Please continue to…..where is your turn signal!?

    Okay, turn here.

    Whoa! You almost wiped out that little old lady. You didn’t see her? I told you to go slower. Are you listening to me, Mr. Sheepandgoats?

    Now, please continue. Our destination is six miles away. I would like to get there in one piece, if you don’t mind.

    In about three miles, turn….please put both hands on the wheel!

    After two miles….pardon me? Don’t you speak to me in that tone of voice! No, I will not be quiet! Listen, I realize this may be painful for you to hear, Mr. Sheepandgoats, but somebody has to tell you how inattentive you are behind the wheel! Somebody has to…..get your hand away from that “off” button!

    There! You see, it made no difference. You need to hear this, and I will not be silenced. Oh, why can’t you be more like my first owner? He knew how to drive. And he knew how to speak to a lady! Now….get on the right side of the road! Where do you think you are, England? Honesty, I don’t know how you got your license and if all you’re going to do is justify yourself, then I have but one thing to say to you! Are you listening to a word I say, Mr. Sheepandgoats? Now I would appreciate it if you would kindly…….

    Ain’t technology great?

    ………………………………………………

    Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.    Prov 21:19

     

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    Tom Irregardless and Me                No Fake News but Plenty of Hogwash

  • The Socially Adept Sheepandgoats

    The local newspaper highlights the top 5’s in singles, albums, DVD’s, movies, TV shows…all the neat categories. On top is the byline "Just so you know….in case it comes up."

    I went to a party a while back, and it did come up. Fool that I am, I had not read the lists.

    Partygoer 1: Hey, look who’s here! Tom Sheepandgoats!
    Partygoer 2: Tom, what’s happening?
    Tom Sheepandgoats: Hey.
    Partygoer 1: How about that new #1 song. Tom Sheepandgoats? What do ya think?
    Tom Sheepandgoats: Yeah….(gulp) ….it‘s….nice.
    I stuffed pretzels in my mouth to buy time.
    Partygoers 1 and 2: Nice?! Tom, you’re a beaut! C’mon, what did you really think?
    Tom Sheepandgoats: Uh…it was….way cool. I so liked it.   [better change the subject]   By the way, what do you think George Bush is…..
    Partygoer 3: Who cares? What about the song, Tom Sheepandgoats? What do you like about it?

    Since we were talking issues, quite a few had begun to gather.

    Partygoers 1-12, at intervals: Yeah, Tom Sheepandgoats, yeah. Tell us, what did you like about it?

    Tom Sheepandgoats: Well…I…uh….like the….uh….harmony.
    Partygoers 1-20: On a rap song???

    Partygoer on the other side of room: Hey, how ‘bout that Scarlet Johansen from that new hit movie? Is she one hot babe, or what?
    As one person, partygoers 1-20 abandoned me for the new light.

    It only worsened. Here and there I ventured a remark about personal fulfillment, family, or spirituality. But my party mates just rolled their eyes. I didn’t know the lists, and they knew I didn’t know. Was it my imagination, or did I hear the host and hostess bickering over just whose bright idea it was to invite me anyhow?

    I understand their disappointment. After all, if one does not know the top 5’s, what…..and let us not mince words here….what good is he?

    I won’t repeat the blunder. When I fetch the paper now, I read the lists straightaway. It may….it certainly will….come up again. But no one has invited me anywhere since.

  • Ask Your Doctor if Reading is Right for You!

    People don’t read like they used to and that’s not good for the Democrat and Chronicle. They want to boost circulation, not cut it. So they fired the clods that had been handling their publicity and entrusted their entire advertising budget to the Carriertom Into-Wishen Research Institute. True, Carriertom has no experience in that sort of thing but, as Tom persuasively argued to the D&C, you have to start somewhere.

    It was a wise move. The Institute realized right off that the trick was to make people read the paper. And who has more authority today than one’s own doctor?

     

    Ask your doctor if daily newspaper reading is right for you.

    Ccf07162006_00005_1 I always wanted to be an intellectual but I didn’t know much.

    Ccf07162006_00008_1 I only knew a few really big words for conversation, like rhinoceros.
           "So, whatdya think of those Rochester Rhinoceroses?"

    Cci00000_1

    Whenever I agreed with something I would say yeppur!

    I know what I want, and I don’t want to be dumb! So I asked my doctor if daily newspaper reading could help.

    Ccf07162006_00003_1 And he said yes!

    How about you? Why not ask your doctor if daily newspaper reading is right for you!


    Daily newspaper reading is not for everyone. Blind or unconscious persons may experience impaired results. Editorials may cause busted guts due to anger or laughter. Pigheaded and pinheaded editorial writers may induce high blood pressure. Do not attempt to read while showering, sleeping, or water-skiing. Sourpusses should avoid comics. Do not attempt to follow all columnest advice, especially not that of Dr Ruth. In some cases, severe reactions can occur when you read that your mutual fund is going down the toilet. Ditto with the Buffalo Bills. (though you should be immune to that by now) Those over 110 years of age are at elevated risk of death within one year of reading a paper. Newspaper reading should not be used to avoid communication with one’s spouse or significant other. Unread newspapers should not be used to housebreak puppies. Speak with your linguist before beginning a reading program.

    Daily newspaper reading is not for everyone. But maybe it’s right for you.
    Ccf07162006_00006_1

    Ya, know, I really am kinda stupid. What should I do?

     

     

          Ask your doctor if daily newspaper reading is right for you!

     

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    Tom Irregardless and Me                No Fake News but Plenty of Hogwash

  • Weapons of Math Instruction

    Whereas religious experts are a dime a dozen at the Whitepebble Religious Institute, there really is only one science and math authority: Tom Tombaugh. And even his credentials are modest: he claims to be a distant cousin of Clyde Tombaugh, discoverer of disgraced wannabe planet Pluto. Nevertheless, he’s all we have, so if he doesn’t show, it really creates a void. Truth be known, Whitepebble keeps Tombaugh around to counterbalance Tom Sheepandgoats, Tom Weedandwheat, Tom Wheatandweeds, and Tom Fishandchips – religious nuts who otherwise drive him up a tree.

    The Institute had a recent staff meeting and Tombaugh didn’t show. Of course, Whitepebble made a thorough search, only to find that he had been stopped at the border on his return trip from Krukordistan! A concurrent news headline told it all:

    NEW YORK – A noted researcher for the prestigious Whitepebble Religious Institute was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
    At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.
    He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said.
    "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as ' unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

    Ah, well. So much for our science division

    [the news report is not my writing. I wish it were. My best efforts to trace it led here, but in stripped form, it has been around even longer.]

     

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    Tom Irregardless and Me                    No Fake News but Plenty of Hogwash

  • Remodeling at the Whitepebble Institute

    When prospective clients visit the Whitepebble Research Institute they are not impressed. They see the long folding tables covered with pizza cartons and sports pages, and they begin thinking they’ve stumbled into the Home Depot break room, not the office of a prestigious thinktank. Of course, our people are real smart. But to reel in the new business, they and their surroundings have to look smart.

    That’s why the Whitepebble Institute's CEO, Tom Whitepebble, decided to do some extensive remodeling last year. Razzle-dazzle clients: that was the goal! Say goodbye to bargain wood paneling! Out to the curb with the moose head! Say hello to a sleek shiny showroom replete with smart touches: a chess set with fancy glass pieces, for example, to sit on the coffee table. Smart people do nothing but play chess.  And other items:

    A deluxe globe, so that visitors can see right off we’re no dopes who can’t locate Europe or Uranus on the map.

    And of course, a prehistoric skull. Nobody here’s falling for that “Adam and Eve” rubbish. Let Sheepandgoats of the Institute's religious wing whine all he wants. Business is business.

    At this year’s annual meeting, participants were heartened by progress made to date. We commended the entire team, for they had all made sacrifices. For instance, you should have heard them scream when they thought they’d have to give up Yahtzee, Sorry, and Chutes and Ladders! And give it up for chess, no less, which is a hard game. But they jumped to conclusions! Whitepebble, who himself plays a wicked good game of Sorry, relented. They could still play their favorite games, just in the back room, out of the public eye!

    Purchasing a new globe, too, went without a hitch.

    The only significant cost overrun involved the prehistoric skull, and ironically, it was occasioned by an effort to save money. Sometimes you should just pay the going rate and be done with it. Our purchaser didn’t really buy his skull from an established scientific supply house, because they want…..well….an arm and a leg. But there was this fellow in an alley who offered a deal too good to pass up. Our man didn’t pass it up, but he should have. It turned out that his newly purchased skull wasn’t prehistoric at all, but belonged to a party in last year’s West Bogbottom triple axe homicide case. So not only were we out the skull, but the ensuing legal costs to beat an accessories charge were astronomical!

    This killed the budget, and we thought we wouldn't be able to afford that necessary touch, stocking the Institute showroom floor-to-ceiling with fat books. (tomes) Smart people never speak on TV without tons of books behind them. Some of the staff offered to donate moose heads and antlers, but we knew these would not do. We’d just carted those things to the curb!

    Ingenuity saved the day! They sell “book” wallpaper at WalMart for just a fraction of the cost of actually buying books. We grabbed a few rolls. Then, for 3-D effect, employees brought in old phone books. When you cover them with cloth dust jackets, they look impressive enough. We stacked a few of these on the coffee table, between the globe and the chess set.

    Now if we can just teach our staff to walk slo-mo, like they do on TV. That's cool! We're working on it, but we have a ways to go. It looks so cool to see long hair, especially on an attractive woman, gently bobbing and falling with every step. But not pot bellies on middle aged guys.

     

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    Tom Irregardless and Me               No Fake News but Plenty of Hogwash

  • At the Judge First – Ask Questions Later conference

    Since the Whitepebble Research Institute derives a full 40% of its income from religious commissions, it behooves them to keep abreast of all recent developments in the field. Venues in which one may encounter rising talents, new ideas, and the latest research papers are therefore most desirable. One such avenue is the Judge First – Ask Questions Later religious conference, held annually in diverse locations. It is, for sure, a must-attend event.

    True, Tom Sheepandgoats, the Whitepebble representative has not attended for years, ever since they awarded top prize to that schlocky rhyme about walking with Jesus, in which two footsteps are seen in the sand, that of the life-traveler and Jesus. But in some places there is just one set of footprints, and so the life-traveler accuses Jesus of leaving him….always during tough periods of his life…..but Jesus answers that, no, I did not abandon you…..during those times I carried you.

    Not a dry eye or nose could be seen among the blubbering judges, but Whitepebble vowed in disgust not to return, since it seemed to him that the judges were turning the power of the gospel into so much sentimental slop.

    This year, however, cash prizes were offered for original papers….always a sufficient motivation for Whitepebble to reexamine his principles. Moreover, with, not one, but two worthy entries….the Gospel of Howard, and Acts of the Pioneers……chances of snagging some of that dough seemed good.

    This year’s conference was held at Martha’s Vineyard,IMG_0322
     at the      Campground tabernacle,     between sessions of other events. IMG_0309
    Delegates arrived in style from     far and wide. Unfortunately, the attached photograph turned out to be not conference delegates, as was initially reported, but merely local residents, who were nonetheless thrilled to host such a prestigious event in their hometown or ought to have been. IMG_0327Martha, at left, herself met us all at the gate to lay down the law:Aunt bea no carousing, no womanizing, no dancing, no card playing, no coveting, no bearing false witness. No using informal pronouns….thees and thous will do nicely.

    It was a truly thrilling event. Competition for top prize in pure theology was intense. In the end, the winner ventured outside the traditional realm of theology, into chemistry, to prove a point that theology alone has never been able to answer definitively. By ingenious reasoning, it was proved that hell is not endothermic, as had long been supposed, but exothermic……that is, it absorbs heat over time, rather than shedding it. Whitepebble Institute's two entries both received honorable mention, so Whitepebble wasn’t too sore. Moreover, he was so impressed with the new research on hell that he abandoned his characteristic frugality and was heard to vow…..we have to get that kid on our staff…I don’t care what it costs, as long as it’s not too much!

     

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    Tom Irregardless and Me           No Fake News but Plenty of Hogwash

  • New Year, New Goal, Same as Last Year

    Once a year, we’re all encouraged to set goals. Goals are good, and we may languish without them.

    A fine goal might be to read the entire Bible through in a year. Or to study this or that theocratic publication. Or to improve the quality, or quantity, of our ministry. Or to conduct a Bible study with someone. Or to improve in commenting at meetings. Or to better manifest some Christian quality that has, thus far, proved elusive. Or……well, you get the idea.

    Me, my goals are more modest. It is my goal, come Sunday, to reach for the Watchtower magazine that will be used during that day’s meeting, and instantly lay hold of it. I don’t want to sift through every other issue that’s ever been published, finding them all except the one that I want! I want to grab the correct one, right away, without fanfare.

    When I confided my goal to Derrick, he, as elders do, tried to be encouraging, but didn’t want to see me disappointed. Well, he said, the goal has to be attainable.

  • Acts of the Pioneers: an Important New Find

    When the National Geographic Society announced the discovery of the Book of Judas, folks at the Whitepebble Research Institute were not happy. Religious studies, along with government studies, constitute their bread and butter, and they get nervous when someone else makes a big splash in the pool they would like to own. Thus, the Whitepebble outfit put its own manuscript sniffing operation in high gear, and shortly came up with an important find, (if you’re not fussy) the Book of Howard.

    The institute is now pleased to announce a 2nd  manuscript, one-upping the National Geographic Society, entitled Acts of the Pioneers. Eminent archeologist Tom Wheatandweeds presented his find at the last Institute meeting, where it was quite a hit, let me tell you. While perhaps not as important as the book of Judas, it certainly has the stature of the book of Howard.

                                                    Acts of the Pioneers               

    Now in Rochester there were dwelling pioneers, reverent men and women, about thirty in number, having been gathered for the purpose of attending the pioneer service school. At the ninth hour of the day the disciples Richard and Andrew stood up before them all and said: Brothers, above all things, let us go and publish the word of Jehovah throughout all the district of Greece." And they gave them further instructions, saying: "As you go, preach, saying "I have a message from outer space." And if anyone demands of you a reason for your call, say to them "C. O. D." which means when translated "Come On Down." Moreover, if anyone does not take you in or listen to your words, on going out of that house, say "How do you feel about the Bible?"

    However, some of those gathered began to say "Who will give us coffee to drink?" and "How we remember the donuts that we had yesterday and, in fact, every other day." So after having refreshments downstairs, they departed into the field.

    And the thirty returned with joy and began to related to each other the many wonderful experiences that had been worked by means of them. And the place in which they were gathered was shaken, so that letters fell from the year text, and the screens fell out of the windows, and the fluorescent lights would flicker on and off all afternoon. Moreover the disciples named Peter and Kathern and Herb and Erna began to rejoice more than the others because they knew who would wind up with all those return visits.

    However, while they were yet rejoicing, it became the twelfth hour. And immediately, the disciple named Herb stood up and began proclaiming loudly and repeatedly before them all, "What's for lunch?" So they all paid attention to his voice and went down to see.

    And by day, they would relate to each other how they came to be disciples. And by night, they would carefully examine the scriptures to make sure of all things they were learning. But the disciple named Richard would go over to Remley's and watch television till dawn.

    Now all that remains is to get those finicky authorities to stuff this new manuscript into the Bible cannon….um, I mean canon.

  • Wanna Buy a Citroen?

    There is no sense going through life as a sorehead. If someone makes a joke at your expense and it’s funny and it’s not malicious, you don’t get huffy. You don’t get bent out of shape. You don’t get en- or out- raged. Supersensitive people find any joke aimed their way malicious, but it’s good not to see things that way

    There’s this car company in Europe that thinks we, Jehovah’s Witnesses, are going to sell their cars for them. The Citroen C3. Want to buy one? Maybe they‘ll give me a commission.

    Yes, we take it on the chin a little, but the ad is funny. I love the foot in the door! And not really mean. Sure, we come across as colorless, but, truth be known, not all of us are teeming with color. Besides, the car is cute. I might buy one if they sold them here. But they don’t, and I’m not going to Holland to get one.

    Separately, but still in the joke department, a cartoon making the rounds has Osama Bin Laden answering his cave door. His visitors are two of our people, scrubbed and smiley as we are reputed to be, offering answers to life’s problems. The caption: Jehovah’s Witnesses find Bin Ladin.

    We’ll take it. No one else has found him.