Sheep and Goats

Month: March 2017

  • March 1st is the Day You Call the Cops to Remove that Obnoxious Winter Drunk from Your House

    March 1st is a fine day. It is a day of days. It is a wonderful day. It marks the psychological end of winter.

    It is the day you finally decide to call the cops to remove that obnoxious drunk from your house. You know he’s not going to go quietly. You know he’s going to break a lamp or two on the way out. But you also know that he will soon be GONE.

    Watching the news on TV the way I do, I often see that New York is buried in snow. I am in New York and my Facebook friends worry about me. They needn't.  It depends upon where in New York you are, for much snowfall is determined by your location relative to one of the Great Lakes across which winds blow. In Rochester, due south of Lake Ontario, we have had remarkably little snow, and what snow there has been melts quickly. But if I were in the Tug Hill Plateau, east – southeast of Lake Ontario, or the Amhearst area, due east of Lake Erie, I would have offed myself many times over by now.

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    No Fake News but Plenty of Hogwash                 Tom Irregardless and Me

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  • Can You Believe that Someone tried to Apply Isa 57:1 to David Bowie?

    The righteous one has perished,

    But no one takes it to heart.

    Loyal men are taken away,

    With no one discerning that the

    righteous one has been taken away

    Because of the calamity.

     

    Look, David Bowie was a great guy and all. And a memorable singer. Who can forget – uh – um – ah – well, he’s not my generation, otherwise I would remember. Besides, when I went to Pandora, I kept saying ‘oh, he’s the one who did that.’ But you have to stretch it to call him one of the righteous ones.

    When he came to Rochester in the 70’s, he got busted for drugs. Cops would never do it today, but at the time the kids were getting out of control, adults didn’t know what to do about it, but figured they had to do something. I remember this on TV. Weird as ever, he replied ‘yes, sir’ to the judge – respectfully, just not a ‘your Honor.’ But then, he was British. Why should he know American decorum? Image

    A local businesswoman was there when he was busted in his hotel room. Bowie had taken a shine to her and had invited her to his hotel room after the concert. I think there were several there, not just her. In 2016, she declared she would “tell her story” of what really happened that night. TV teased us for days about what she would spill. But it turned out that the only thing she had to spill is that she was there, which everyone knew already.

    “You’re under arrest,” the cops said. “Okay,” David replied.

    It actually wasn’t David Bowie he applied Isaiah 57:1 to. It was someone else. I forget who. It may have been Paul Newman, which is arguably more true, since he did leave behind some fine salad dressing and proceeds from buying it go to charity.

  • Look, Mommy: Two mommies!

    Sophia saw the picture her classmate made, the classmate with two mommies. ‘What is important is that two love each other,’ the teacher (always on the cutting edge of such things) said.

    So Sophia’s mom explained how these things work. No one need miss the plane, but they will have to leave the forbidden baggage behind before passing through the screener. Or wait for their own plane. Cart witnessing

    The four-year-old who watched that video was impressed. Then he watched another video, of two sisters cart-witnessing. “Look, mommy,” he said, “two mommies.”

  • A Legal Defeat for the Cat

    'Cats only get fed once a day,' says Pop. He is recalling the barn cats back when he was a boy. They got unlimited cow's milk, but solid food just once a day. Let them get off their rear ends and catch some mice if they are yet hungry.

    This statement thoroughly alarmed the cat, which immediately tried to mitigate the damage. 'Objection, your Honor,' it said. 'I demand that remark be stricken from the record! It is irrelevant, biased, and prejudicial! Cat lives matter!'

    But his Honor was fed up with his own cat, which harasses him 24/7 for more food from the moment he walks in the door. He takes off his robe, hollers 'Honey, I'm home!' takes a step forward and falls headlong over his cat, which has positioned itself to call attention to its own hungry plight.

    'Objection overruled!' he roared. 'Let the record stand as is! In fact, underline those words!' Image

     

    Tom Irregardless and Me               No Fake News but Plenty of Hogwash